Nobody told her

  Det är ingen hemlighet att jag tycker Hollie McNish är en suverän Spoken word-poet. I fjol gav hon ut en kombinerad dagbok/diktsamling om att bli mamma; den sträcker sig från graviditetstest till barnets treårsdag. Boken "Nobody told me" är drygt 450 sidor lång och innehåller bland annat illamående, bajsblöjor och rasistiska påpekanden (Hollie och Dee har olika hudfärg) från omgivningen. Men framför allt är det en ärlig, kärleksfull och humoristisk beskrivning av föräldrarollen och barnets utveckling. Boken är lika oemotståndlig som 'en bal på slottet'.

Hollie McNish

***

  Jag hade väldigt svårt att välja diktutdrag ur boken, det finns så många övertygande texter, och ändrade mig flera gånger om. Till slut fick det bli två som värmde hjärtat lite extra.

Barbed wire, by Hollie McNish
(From Nobody told me : poetry and parenthood. London : Blackfriars, 2016.)

Dee says his compliments are wrapped in barbed wire
'Cos he's gotta be a man
He jokes he's gotta be a man
And he will walk with me by shining streams

But he will not hold my hand
No he will not hold my hand
And he tells me that he thinks I'm great
Then breaks into a sweat
A red-faced fumbled wreck
As he covers compliments in buts and ifs in
Reels of barbed-wire fences
Help to harden senses

And it takes me back to days at school
When the boys would pull my hair
Then ask me on a date
And we would walk around the netball court
Hand in shaking hand
Gums cut by my three-year brace
Getting older awkward silent moments

The shit never changed
Nothing's ever changed

Feelings that we want to share
But barbed wire's in the way
Barbed wire's in the way.

The first time he said the words
Lying face to face
Throat dry face to face
I love you felt like letting loose

That shit's so hard to say
It took so long to say.
'Cos we're so used to covering and jokes
That real talk is so hard
Heartbeats pound so fast

He says he was brought up taught to be a bloke
Feelings bottled up
And his barbed wire gave him cuts

And though I've taken out some of the knots
And he isn't quite so sharp
A slowly softened heart

But when I saw his eyes with heavy sobs
As he held her in his arms
A baby in his arms
I can feel the heat she brings him
As she covers him in hugs
I can almost see the metal melting
No holds back showing love

She says, 'I love you so much, Daddy'
She kisses off his face
No embarrassment to tell
Nearly fifty times a day

Each time my heartbeat breaks
With her he lets his feelings shine
'Cos kids don't hold their feelings back

I think we could learn a lot
from what they do and what they say

No barbed wire in the way
No barbed wire in the way.

***

(Flickan på bilden är varken Hollies dotter eller min dotter.)

You, by Hollie McNish
(From Nobody told me : poetry and parenthood. London : Blackfriars, 2016.)

You are the reason why
my belly trippled in size
and left striped lines
across my skin when you left

You are the reason why my chest moved
from an A cup to a C
to a double E
and back again
to keep you well fed

You are the reason why
my old-size jeans
no longer fit me
why the belt
no longer reaches the stretch
of my slightly wider hips

You are the reason I miss sleep
Why my eyelids feel weak

You are the reason why my heart
skips a beat
every night
Why my laughter lines double
and grow deeper
each day

You are the smile carved
like a permanent mark
on my face
Every time you wake me up
at six a.m. to play
Drumming on my belly
Blowing raspberries on my skin
and I joke that one day I might put you back in
and when I tell you that you lived there
you tell me it's a fib
asking me for proof
like a toddler detective

I point to the place
you lift my top up a little
then bang on my stretch marks
and giggle.